Top Ten WORST Occasions to Give a Greeting Card

Published: 20th August 2010
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According to every Hallmark commercial ever created, nothing says "I love you," brings estranged family together or lightens an awkward moment like a greeting card. While the power of the perfect one may indeed conquer all, some occasions are perhaps a little less greeting card worthy than others. As they say in France, "La Merde Arrive." But when it does in one of these fashions, it may be best to think twice before putting it on paper.

1 Wage Garnishment

"Uncle Sam Wants You... to pay those student loans."

You work hard for your money. Sure those thousands in back due taxes and unpaid government student loans have your name on them, but you will never willingly let the Feds get their grimy hands on your cold hard cash - and they know it.

2 Forgotten Anniversary

"I forgot our anniversary, but I never forget I love you."

While a belated happy birthday card may be appreciated, just keep your head down if you forget your anniversary. Revenge is a dish best served cold, so don't steel her thunder. She'll make sure you never forget it again, one way or another.

3 Demotion

"Sit back, relax, and enjoy your demotion."

Whether Bob was demoted for good reason or not (and we all know he was - he spent six hours a day surfing Craigslist for babes), it's just not civilized to pour salt in his wounds. Maybe sprinkle it, but certainly not pour it.

4 Divorce

"Divorce is like a crash diet..."

There may be no quicker way to drop 140 pounds, but one must not announce the end of one's marriage with a greeting card. This is not the 1700's. These startling revelations are best made through text message (or fax, if you're living under a rock).

5 Parasitic Infection

"It's a Bouncing Baby Botfly!"

They went to Costa Rica and all you got was a stinking T-shirt. As they suffer agonizing pain and assorted medical complications as hosts of parasitic pets, you can wear that T-shirt and be glad that's all they brought you.

6 Parole

"No More Soap on a Rope!"

Of course Guido is innocent. That horse's head got into Tommy Salami's bed all by itself. Be that as it may, he's now enjoying his parole. If you don't want to give him occasion to remember the two hundred large you owe his cousin Jimmy, it might be best to skip the greeting card congratulations.

7 Paternity Test

"Congratulations, it's NOT Your Baby!"

So it's not his baby. That means no child support, and no free babysitting. You're going to need to provide for your child some other way, and everyone knows those reality shows pay. Take him on Maury Povich; it will be more dramatic - and lucrative.

8 Foreclosure

"You always said you love camping..."

What a weight off your shoulders! No more flushing money down the negative-equity toilet. No more need to get up early on Sunday to mow the lawn. Now you can sleep in everyday... if the boozed up bum in the box next door will keep the racket down.

9 Adoption

"Maybe You're a Princess!"

By the time she's 18, she has probably noticed that she looks nothing like you, her brother or grandpa Lou (thank God!). Unless you're going to follow your greeting card up with "and so you're actually the ruler of France," or "it's time to start honing your super powers," you best not rely on Hallmark to do the dirty work.

10 Communicable Disease

"I Burn for You..."

Gonorrhea, Hepatitis, Typhus, Influenza, The Black Death... the list goes on. If you have something no one else wants, there's no time for a greeting card. Get yourself to the doctor, the medicine man or the nearest Rite Aid and start smearing on that ointment, drinking that tincture or applying those compresses.

While the occasions above may be best left alone or to a one-on-one conversation, there are many situations in which a greeting card is a mighty fine idea. From the birth of a baby (human and expected, of course), to the announcement of a marriage, the celebration of a birthday or the expression of heartfelt sympathy or well wishes, you'll find the perfect greeting card you're looking for at Mention TOP10WOGC when you place your order and we'll even give you a FREE card.

*Offer applies to first twenty-five customers mentioning the code. The card is FREE. You pay the postage! At Vist Astonishingcards

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